Have you ever wondered about nature?  About its beauty?  Have you ever seen a robin hop on a tree branch and tilt its head this way and that and then chirrup just as winter loses it's frosty fingers and thought wow?

Or how about a humming bird that zips here, there and everywhere, but can stop on a dime so that all you see is its shimmering body of blue, green and purple and its wings are almost invisible to your eye?

This is all about the Beauty of God.  He created nature for His enjoyment...and ours.  We can look everywhere and see the beauty of His creation.  We ourselves were made in the image of God.  Since God is beautiful, we too are beautiful.  We come in all shapes, sizes and colors and we are beautiful.

Take a look at yourself in the mirror.  What is your favorite feature about yourself?  Is it your eyes?  Your nose?  Your skin?  How about your hair?  Did you know that God knows the number of hairs on your head?  That He thinks more thoughts about you than the sands of the seas?

If you're telling yourself that you never knew that, you can find out all about how God loves you and thinks about you in His Word, the bible.  It is an amazing book of books filled with stories and principals and most importantly, God's love for you.

We all go through seasons in our lives.  Seasons of joy and laughter and those of grief and sorrow.  We go through seasons of pain and healing, seasons of persecution and hatred from others towards us for who we are in Christ.

Sin has corrupted the world and marred the beauty of God's creation on this earth.  But no matter how scarred the earth is, or our hearts are, God is right there with us.  When we fall, He picks us up, brushes off the dirt, wipes the tears from our eyes, gives us a loving hug, and holds our hands as we walk again with Him.  When things are too hard and we feel that we can't go on, He's there to pick us up and carry us in His loving arms.  He makes us beautiful again from the inside out.

The healing that has been taking place in my heart is all about being God's beauty.  I used to think, 'oh no, not me.  I'm not beautiful.  I'm ugly, stupid, hated, shunned, ashamed, guilty, disfunctional, not worthy, corrupted, evil, etc.'  I felt used and abused, thrown away by the very people who said that they cared for me.  They let me down and hurt me and turned away, ashamed of me.

God has been showing me how very beautiful I am to Him.  I am His.  His child, His princess, His beloved.  He has clothed me in white and set a crown upon my head.  He has given me His salvation and His love and forgiveness.  He has cradled me in His arms of love.  He is my Protector and my Provider.  My help in times of trouble.  He will never leave me or forsake me because I am His.  

I don't have to change myself or my habits to earn God's love.  It is mine regardless if I change or not.  He loves me for me and He loves me unconditionally the way a human being never could.  He fills the void in my heart that only He can fill.  And I fill the space in His that He has specifically kept for me.  No one else can fill that void, though I have tried countless times with many different things.   I am His and His alone.

There are so many hurting people out there who don't know that God loves them this way.  It breaks my heart to see women trying to be strong when they don't have to be.  Or men who hide their hurting hearts behind their work.  God loves you regardless of what you look like or what you may or may not have done.  Won't you let Him in and love you the way that you ought to have been loved all along?  He alone can heal your hurting heart if you will let Him.  He longs to fill that space in your heart with His unconditional love.

Though I can now say that I am beautiful, the message here is that everyone needs to know that they too are beautiful.  God can take the person who thinks that they are the ugliest person on the planet and make them beautiful.  All you need to do is let Him in.

It seems too simple.  And while yes, it's easy to say, it's a much more difficult thing to walk it out.  But it's worth it.  The pain and anguish of letting God in to take out the deception and lies that I've believed for my entire life hurts.  But then He replaces it with something much more precious than gold or silver.  He puts love in that place that He's cleaned.

There were many opportunities for me to run and hide, but I stayed.  For the first time ever, I stayed.  And though it hurt my heart more than words can say, the healing through the pain was and is much more magnificent than I could have ever imagined.  I will never run again.  The worst of heart pains couldn't keep me away from my God.

So while I sit here and write to my readers, I think of how very far that God has brought me in such a short amount of time.   I know that there is more healing and deliverance needed in my life.  That will come the more I walk with God and the more I focus on Him than on the circumstances around me.

About three weeks ago, I had a perfect world.  Everything was going great! Serving in church, hanging out with friends, loving God, work and life in general.  Life was grand...and then the other shoe dropped.

I started noticing that one of my friends was pushing me away, avoiding me, ignoring me.  I'm the type of person that has no problem with one of my friends coming to me and talking to me if they have an issue with something they see.  But this was something I wasn't prepared for.  

Rejection hurts beyond belief, especially when it comes from a close friend, a family member or a significant other.

The reason why I'm  mentioning this is that God has started a new work in healing my already shattered heart.  He's dredging up stuff from my past that I thought I'd taken care of, but in reality, I'd only stuffed it down into the deepest dredges of my heart and buried it under cement and locked it up so tight that not even I knew that it still existed.  But God did.

I remember getting really stressed out over the situation and would recite over and over in my head what I would say to my friend if I saw him.  Most of it was blunt, hurtful and just plain mean and it was born out of the hurt in my heart and not of God or how He wanted me to approach this situation.

I had opportunities to approach my friend and just "let him have it" as he so well deserved in my mind.  But I was still hurting from the rejection that I'd received and unfairly I thought.  So I hid my hurt behind a rigid facade of I'm ok all by myself.

In reality, I was not ok.  And no one is ever ok all by themselves.  I was hurt, hurting, confused, angry and prayed a lot!  I think it took me a week before all the hot air was blown out of me (in my mind in prayer of course) and I could finally give the situation over to God and let Him come and minister to me.

I have a hard time letting go at times and the fact that I could not talk to my friend during the time I was hanging on to this junk for dear life, says that God was in control and not me.  Had I approached my friend during this state of mind that I was  in, I would have probably created more problems and it could have resulted in me having one less friend in my life.  And that was not acceptable to me.

When I finally was so frustrated with the situation and myself for thinking about it so much was when I could finally lay it down at the foot of the cross.  I realized that night that I wasn't in control and that I was hanging onto something that I should have not been hanging onto in the first place.

I slept better that night than I had in a week of all this going on.  In the morning, God revealed to me what had been going on with my friend as far as our friendship and what he  was dealing with.  Let me just say right here that I'm not at liberty to reveal that, but what it did do was take all the wind out of my sails and I felt nothing but empathy for my friend.

Turns out, he was in a place that I was not all that long ago when I was dealing with issues of the heart.  All the anger that I'd had was gone.  All the hurt that I'd had about the situation was gone.  In that moment, I saw him as Jesus saw him.  A human with a broken heart.

The point of telling this experience is to give you a bit of insight into what's going on inside of my own heart.

As a child, I hid the rejection that I received from my peers, from my friends and even from my own family.  Most people experience rejection at some point in their lives and if we're not careful, it can ruin people's lives.  

God has been slowly and painfully removing that rejection that has hidden and grown and festered itself in my heart.  Let me tell you that the heart pain is not fun and there are days where I wish with everything in me that I had some physical pain to go along with it.  I can deal with physical pain... I have a very hard time dealing with heart pain.

I call it heart pain because it's a mixture of mental and emotional pain.  It's not one or the other - it's both at once.

But, even though it hurts, I would rather be here with God dealing with it now than to have it affect myself, my ministry, my friends, my family or my future later on down the road.

Putting up walls doesn't help.  Doing that just leaves you in a cage inside of your own heart where no one is allowed in and can make you feel like you are alone in this world.  We are never alone, but it feels like it.  You can be standing in a sea of people and feel like you're the only one there.

Let me tell you right now that there is hope for you.  Jesus loves you and all you have to do is ask Him into your heart and to help clean out all the gunk that stops up the life that flows.  He's at the door of your heart and knocking.  All you have to do is open your heart.  I know it's easier said than done, but it is such a relief not to have to carry those burdens any longer.

God has been working on taking the lies and the deceptions that  I have believed for so long out of my heart and filling the empty place with His Beauty.  It has been an experience for me to feel beautiful for the first time ever in my life.

It has been one of those weeks where I just feel like screaming.  Everything that can go wrong has gone wrong whether I stick my foot in my mouth or my actions have hurt others.  It always seems like just when I think life is starting to get better, it slaps me sideways again.

For the most part, I am not bothered by the winds of change that try to blow me around.  This time however, it was like a tsunami hit me over the head.  So I know that I'm going in the right direction.

Change itself is good and I do not mind when there's something that I need to change about myself.  But when emotion is involved - that's where I want to truly back out.

I have been hurt by others so much in my past that I tend to forget to be vulnerable with certain people in my life.  This is something that God has been working with me on in my life lately.

When I find myself at the point of having to be vulnerable with a friend of mine, and I don't know them that well, I tend to freak out without realizing.  Most of the time, my emotions will hide themselves and it's only until someone corrects me or something drastic happens that I realize that I've made terrible mistakes.  And usually by then, there are people who are hurt by what I've done.

And then, instead of giving it to God and laying it at the foot of the cross where it should reside anyway, I tend to worry about it.  This stresses me out and I lose a ton of sleep.

Why am I sharing all of this?  There are a few reasons for my sharing this.  One, it's an account to myself to not make the same mistakes over and over again.  Two, I know that there are others out there who are going through similar situations and hope that reading this blog will help them in their own life struggles.  

So, yesterday was a complete disaster as far as an emotional stand point for me goes.  I'd finally had enough.  Not only were my nerves frazzled, I was stressed out and losing sleep.  I haven't lost that kind of sleep in about three and a half years.

When I'd found out what was happening, not only was I shocked and hurt, but God immediately gave me a picture of what was going on.  He tends to speak to me more in pictures than anything else.

I was a kid in a candy store which was brightly lit and there were glass jars filled with every kind of candy imaginable.  My eyes latched onto to one jar in particular, which had a single piece of candy inside it.  

I couldn't take my eyes off this piece of candy, so I reached up and grabbed the jar with both hands.  I stared at this piece of candy as my grip on the jar got tighter and tighter until the jar finally broke into a million shards, going through my hands. (no blood here mind you)

So now, my hands are tightly clasped around the candy and there are glass shards in and through and around my hands.  Everyone who tried to help get the glass out, was hurt.

This next part is just what God revealed to me between last night and this morning.

I started to cry, because not only could I not taste the candy - which was covered in glass - but I couldn't get the glass out of my hands as well.

Bright light filled the candy store and I heard a gentle voice saying, "Here, child, let me help you."

At first, I didn't want him to help because I was afraid  that he would get hurt too.  But he assured me that he was there to do exactly that - get the glass out of my hands.  

After a little coaxing, I finally gave my hands over to him and he started pulling the glass shards out of my hands.  Some of them weren't too bad and others hurt very much.  I watched carefully as each shard was pulled out of my hands.

As time passed, I noticed that with each shard that was pulled out, blood was spilled on the wound.  I was a little confused by this until I looked up and saw the Maker's hands.  His hands held the wounds that were on my hands.  And instead of my blood being spilled, it was his blood that was being spilled.

Again, I started to cry and he looked at me with such a gentle look, "My child, why do you weep?"

It took me a moment to answer, "Because, you are hurt too."

He replied, "Little one, do not let your heart be troubled, trust in Me." (John 14:1)

It still amazes me to this day that despite the mistakes I have made in my past, or the ones I make today, that God still loves me unconditionally.

Meaning that I don't have to perform for Him to love  me.  So why should I have to do that for anyone else?  When I asked myself that question, one word came to my mind - fear.  So what do I fear?  I fear being hurt and rejected by others.  How do I avoid this?  I hide behind a facade that I can do it all and I don't need anyone  else's help to get things done.  To a point, this is true.  To another, it's disastrous.

Balance here is the key and something that I have gotten down pretty well in the last couple of years.  I'm not by any means perfect and I would be the first one to tell you that I will make mistakes.

 But in making mistakes, I also learn from them and grow.  Sometimes it's ok and sometimes it is very painful - especially when there are others involved.

I know, that as long as I give it over to God and look to Him for everything, I'll be ok. :)

It has been quite a while since I last updated my blog.  A lot has happened in the last 4 months and everything is changing once again.  And for the better.

So for the past couple of weeks, I have been doing a lot of praying about the decisions that are coming up in my life.  These are major decisions that will change my life and the direction that I'm going in.

I've really been seeking God about the direction in my life in the area of ministry.  I've been volunteering in the 3rd grade room for the last year and a half now.  My ultimate goal has always been to move up with my class through the years and plant myself in the high school room.

I remember when I was in high school and it was a nightmare for me.  I had no one I could really talk to and if I had, some things that have happened in my life might have turned out differently.

God has given me an unconditional love for kids in this area.  My 3rd graders are special and have a LOT of potential.  I am very excited to be moving up with them to the 4th and 5th grade room and to see what God does in their lives....and love on them while they are growing up :)

I've been thinking a lot about love lately.  Jesus said that the first commandment is to love the Lord your God with all your heart, your soul and your strength.  He also said to let the little children come to Him and do not hinder them.  And in order for us to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, we need to be just like a child.

Children have such an innocence and a purity about them.  Their love is unconditional.  I find that the more I love God, the more like a child I become.  And I'm not talking about in mannerisms.  I'm talking about in innocence and in purity.  Psalms 51:10 says to 'create in me a clean heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me'.

I love being able to love on my kids and they love to love on me.  If the world could be this way every moment of every day, my life would be complete.  There is nothing that I love to do more than to love on people.  It is what I was created for.

Many times, people get hurt by other people and they build up walls of defense around their hearts.  These walls harden hearts and they become porcupines and they hurt others.  It's a vicious cycle - one that I have learned to break with forgiveness.

Hurt is manifested as fear, which turns into anger and goes into rejection, bitterness, depression etc.  The longer that we choose not to forgive, the more the root grows, until it becomes normal for us to act out of that hurt.  This is where walls are built.

Forgiveness, on the other hand, breaks down those walls and is the beginning of a tender heart.  The ability to love and give love is the second greatest gift that I have ever been given.

I do not claim to know it all or even to have figured everything out.  What I do know is that God's unconditional love for me has helped me more in the healing process than anything else in my life has.

The more I love Him, the more I trust Him and the more I depend on Him for everything, the more that He gives to me - and I am not talking about material possessions - I am talking about love and peace of mind in the midst of my circumstances.  I am also talking about the joy of the Holy Spirit and so many many other promises that He has given me. I want to leap and dance for joy!  I want to sing and press in and drink of His love for me!

Find a little time today to seek God out and let Him love on you!  Be blessed my friends :)

I thought I would take the time to write today, since I haven't written in a while.  This is what happens when my life turns into a tornado lol.  I love being busy - most of what I'm busy with is the volunteering that I do through my church, which is fun.

I'm learning that I can learn new things without having to be perfect.  I can be human and make mistakes and learn from them.  

This weekend, we had a conference (I'm not sure that you could call it a conference, but that's what I'm going to call it for now) called Kairos.  Kairos is a meeting between you and God.  Our time is filled with praise and worship, teaching and prayer.  It is inviting God to come down and bless us with His presence.

I got a call for this about 3 weeks ago to do graphics.  Let me tell you, I was excited!  For those of you who don't know what graphics are, they are the words that go up on the screen when we sing our songs.  It's the background, the power point presentations etc. I love it because it gives me a chance to see praise and worship from a completely different perspective.

I love music.  Anything to do with music and I have probably done it at some point in my life.  Music was one of my outlets when I was in school.  I played in band in school and joined the choir at church - I remember when it was still small lol!  Music was and still is one of the ways that God ministers to me the most.

You know it's powerful when the sound team starts getting choked up and tears well up in our eyes.  God just has a way of touching you wherever you are when you invite Him in through praise and worship.

The last week has been tough on me - but I've never lost my faith.  God has been teaching me that I need more discipline and self control in my life - and I agree.  My problem is is that my flesh doesn't want to submit to that.  So I war with myself in my thoughts and the struggle becomes too much at some point and I just give in.

So, in order to have balance in this area of my life, I have been slowly pulling in people who are going to not only hold me accountable, but will have an impact in my life in the long run.

Not only that, but I have been pressing in to God through reading my bible, prayer and praise and worship.  

The misconception that a lot of people have, and that I used to have, is that when you and God get down to the nitty gritty, they're going to feel something afterwards.  This weekend wasn't about feeling for me.  Just the opposite in fact.  It was learning to trust God even when I didn't feel any different.  And it was believing that He had done a great work in me regardless of how I felt.

Many Christians think that God is a "feel good" god.  Tell me, where in the Bible does it say that?  I have searched the Scriptures diligently and still haven't found that verse.  So I am learning to live my life the way that God wants me to....not whether I "feel" like it or not.

Now, I am not saying that feelings aren't ever involved.  I am saying that there are times that God gets us to a point in our lives where we have to rely fully on Him instead of what we feel.  Personally, it's a test for me and I'll tell you why.

For years I based my relationship with God on the "good works" that I did and the "feeling" I got from being at church.  Most of that feeling time took place during praise and worship.  So, if life was so good, then why did I fall away when times got tough?

Because my house was built upon the sand instead of the Rock.  When the storms came, my good works and feelings didn't stand up to the wind and rain.  They tore up my "house" and left me in pieces once more.

So during my 20's, I struggled with being at the church for a couple of years and then falling away.  So what's different now?

The difference between the person I am today and the person that I was when I was 25 is where I have my identity.  It is that simple.  You see, my whole life, people have placed expectations on me.  I grew up in a performance based home.  I was only accepted if I did everything perfect.

The problem was and still is, that I am not perfect.  God is working upon that perfection in my life, but believe me when I say that I am far from being perfect anytime soon!  So unless Jesus comes back, I just need to work through the things that God is dealing with me on.

The real change was when I figured out that I was putting my identity and my faith in people - who will always fail me at some point in their lives.  When the blinders fell off and I started seeing God in me and all around me instead of high in the sky, it was a paradigm shift of the highest magnitude for me.  My world literally went from a slant to straight.

I believe that in that moment, God changed my life forever.  There is no going back for me - there is only moving forward.  Is my life perfect?  Not by any means.  But life for me is more rewarding than it ever has been.  

My faith in God has grown.  I've learned to depend on Him totally - the way that I did with people and failed miserably - and He hasn't failed me yet.  My trust, my love and my focus is solely and completely on Him.  I have a true desire to get to know Him more, to find out the promises that He has for me, to talk to Him, to just be with Him.

I think about God from the first moment I wake up until the last thought that I remember when my head hits the pillow.  The song 'Dance With Me' by Jesus Culture has stuck with me lately.  I have it on repeat in my car and you would think that I would get sick of listening to the same song over and over again.  But to be honest, it has become the cry of my heart.  Listen....

'Won't you dance with me, O Lover of my soul, to the song of all songs.
Romance me, O Lover of my soul, to the song of all songs.

Behold, You have come, over the hills, up on the mountain.
To me You will run, My Beloved, You have captured my heart.

With You I will go, You are my love, You are my fair one.
The winter has passed, and the spring time has come'

Have you ever had it to where life is going great and all of a sudden, it just hits you sideways?  That is what happened to me in the last couple of days.  But God has been faithful and is restoring to me what has been lost.

These are the times where I am thankful that God is always there.  It is so wonderful to know that we have a God that loves us and keeps us through the difficult times in our lives.

I have been through many different storms in my life and honestly, trusting God didn't come easily for me.  I am a very tangible person.  I like to see and touch things - to know that they're real.  So for me to believe in a God that you can't see used to be a bit of a challenge for me.

I was taught even as a young child that you couldn't depend on anyone but yourself.  The old cliche 'if you want something done right, do it yourself' comes to mind.  Even though I grew up in the church, I was a very independent and stubborn child.  Kind of like a horse that takes its bit between its teeth and runs with it.

So, when life's storms would come up, my house always fell - like the house that was built upon the sand.  Trusting and depending upon God were foreign to me - even though I did grow up in the church.

Much of my life was based upon performance at home - and that's the way I viewed God.  If my performance in the church wasn't perfect, I got discouraged and depressed and felt like I was a total failure.  I would believe the lie that I had messed up and God didn't love me anymore - nor was I worthy to go to heaven.

But the world's way never worked for me either.  I ended up being disoriented and confused much of the time.  Letting my flesh get whatever it wanted made me a miserable person indeed.  I will never be that person again.

Every day is a new day.  And with each day that arrives in my life, I love God a little more, I trust Him a little more and I lean on Him just a little longer.  Also, reading the Bible every day has helped tremendously in my life.

I am not lying down and being a doormat for people or my emotions or my flesh to run over me.  I cast down everything that exults itself against the knowledge of God in my life.  I take thoughts captive in Jesus' name.  And I'm not afraid to tell people about Jesus or about what He's done in my life.

So when life hit me sideways, my heart sank to my feet for a split second and I had to wrestle with different thoughts and emotions that flooded my being.  And I realized that I had a choice.  I could look at my circumstances and let them get me down, or I could look away from everything that distracts to Jesus (Heb 12:2) because He is the Author and Finisher of my faith.

And for the first time that I can ever remember, I trusted God completely - and my house stood against the storm because it was built upon the Rock!

May God bless you and keep you my friends!

Today begins a fresh journey in my life.  Today, I take my first step into financial freedom.  This has been something that has plagued my life since I was in high school.

If you read the last few posts, you will find that I was struggling with my emotions and deciding whether or not to go back on the road.  Forget all that!  God has given me a plan and I see light at the end of this very dark tunnel.

Now I've always been good with numbers - even took accounting in high school, but I've never been able to balance my own checkbook.  It always ended in disaster.  I was never really taught how to manage money.  So when the technology came along that resulted in online banking - I was thrilled!

I went to college for accounting when I was 19 - and that was a super hard year.  My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer 2 weeks after I started college.  I worked 2 part time jobs, did choir and drama through my church and was taking 15 credit hours at the college.  I had too much on my plate, but being at home was miserable.

To be honest, I really hadn't figured out at the time what I really wanted to do with my life.  Then came the credit cards - and the spending.  Back then, a shiny new toy to show off was just the thing I needed - til the feeling wore off and I had to get something new.

Needless to say, I dug myself into a hole real fast - and it only got worse.  To say that I was a surface Christian at the time was the truth - everything I'd done in the church was me trying to get to heaven by doing good works - though I didn't know it at the time.

Creditors started calling and I started ignoring them, going on with my life as if everything was just peachy....which couldn't be farther from the truth.

In my 20's I would fall away from the church for a couple of years and then come back for a couple of years.  During this time in my life I was still searching for my identity - and still doing the things I did before.  

Something had to change - and it did.  I got married.  I was 25 and became a step mother and a grandmother all in one day.  He was 20 years older than I was, but what I didn't know was what a horrible turn my life had taken.

Everything was put in my name.  Needless to say, two people who have accrued debt are not good for each other.  Both of their pits become one bottomless hole.

In the state of Michigan, there is such thing as a no contest divorce.  The mental state that I was in at the time was so distorted that I was willing to get this kind of divorce if only it meant that I never had to see him again.

And, since the bills were in my name, I got stuck with the debt - all of it.  The divorce was final on February 16, 2010.

I rededicated my life to God on April 1st of that same year.  If you would have told me 2 years ago that I would be where I am today - I would've laughed.  But God is the one doing miracles here - not me.

During the past two years, I have discovered my identity in Christ.  I learned to hear God's voice and speak with Him on a day to day basis.  Right now, He is my entire life - that is something that I will never let go of.

So on Friday night, I wrote down some goals about where I truly want to go in my life.  The world thinks that you should go to school, get a diploma, go on to college and graduate and get a job.

I break the mold when it comes to school.  I learn better by hands on experience than I ever did out of a book.  Which is amusing because I love to read.

So when I wrote these goals down honestly, it surprised me a little.  My first goal is to serve God with everything I have.  My second is to get married and have a family.  For those of you who truly know me, this is a desire I have had for the longest time.

For my guy friends who are reading this blog, please don't think that I want anything other than your friendship.  I am not looking to get married - God will bring the right man to me when it's in His timing - not mine.  I do however need help when it comes to my guy friends.  There are times where I have a really hard time conversing with you because of the experiences that I've had.  God is still working with me on this, so please be patient with me.  Most of the time, I recognize what I'm doing and will come and apologize to you if I see it.  If not, please point it out to me gently.  Thank you.

God is working in my life, getting me ready for something big.  The financial aspect of things is actually the second part of my journey so far.  The spiritual aspect took about 2 years.  I'm thinking that this will be about the same.

So today, one of my best friends and I are getting together to go over stuff and to create a plan to knock this out.  She's helping me out with the accountability side of things and I plan on attending Financial Peace University through my church.

I finally have hope.  I can see the end of this mountain.  Though things will get tough along the way, my love, my trust and my dependency is upon the Lord.  He will carry me through when I cannot carry myself.

I also have many people praying for me as well as supporting me as I go through this.  If you have a financial need, would you please let me pray for you?  Either comment below or you can catch me on Facebook.  I hope to hear from you :)

As always, may God bless you and keep you my friends!

I decided to start a blog this morning while walking around the track.  There is simply too much in my head to get it all down on paper....or my Facebook status - of which I probably have friends who don't read my status' anymore because I tend to update them so much lol.  So here goes...

Today I woke up at 6 and had devotional time - always a great thing first thing in the morning.  I'm starting to read through the whole NT again.  So far, my favorite version of the bible is the amplified translation.  Very wordy and perfect for an intelligent woman like me.  I like details and descriptions and God usually talks to me with pictures, words and thoughts.  

After that, I went to the Kroc Center to work out.  I am trying to have it become a regular habit that I get up at 5am and go work out at 7am.  That has been a challenge lately, but I am working on it.  I always stretch first and then do a mile on the elipticals before strength training.  Today I did that and another mile on the eliptical afterwards.  Then I rested for about 10 minutes before heading to the track.

Now when I do strength training etc, I'm always listening to Andy Hunter.  For some reason it just really helps me focus.  Music is my number one influence...just under God and His Word.  So when I go to the track, I turn on the praise and worship and either sing along silently or pray or think.  Sometimes I do all three.

I started walking the track and started thinking about what I could do to further God's Kingdom.  Now, for those of you who are not aware of my testimony, let me just say that I wouldn't be here today if God didn't have a purpose and a plan for my life.  Sometimes when I think about something, it grows in my mind's eye and tends to become all I see.  It has gotten much better over the years and I have learned a lot.  So this blog thing just kind of set itself up in my mind and I thought of the things I could write.  Oh, the things I can write!  My mind works overtime all the time, so this will be a good outlet for all that brain power that goes on up there lol!

So today, I want to share about some of the things that God has brought me through.  Here are a few things that have sometimes knocked me down flat: anxiety, anger, depression, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, being controlled by other people, a slave mentality, vowing that I would always fail, inferiority complex, low self esteem, no self worth, hatred, bitterness, the roller coaster ride, lust, a failed marriage, disappointment, hurt, anguish, loneliness, horror, addictions, and mistreatment.

The stuff listed above is only a small fraction of what I've been through in my life.  So why am I talking about it now?  I have a few theories about that question - but the main reason is to give glory to God because of what He has brought me through.  No one else could have saved me the way that God has.

I may not have a college degree, but I have a ton of life experience under my belt.  Telling my testimony will help someone out there who is going through the same struggles that I have gone through, felt the same feelings that I've felt.  If one person says, 'yes, I've been there, I can relate to what she's talking about,' then all of this is worth it.

God has given me a passion to help others.  I am only 32 and there were times where I felt like my life had ended.  Now I know it's just beginning.  I'd like to share about being single...and being content in being single.

There are a lot of books out there with thoughts on how the whole Christian 'dating' arena should go....and that's great....it's just not for me.  It has always been my heart's desire to get married, have kids, the white picket fence, etc etc etc.  And once upon a time, I would let the longing and the loneliness overwhelm me to the point of frustration and hurt because of these feelings.  So how can I be content in being single?  I'll tell you.

I have a saying, one that I say every day, no matter what is going on.  Sometimes I say it at night, sometimes in the morning, but the point is is that I make it a point to say this prayer.  'God I love you, God I trust you.  God I depend on you and give you my all.'  What difference does that make?  All the difference in the world!  Loving something that's not there for me is the easy part.  Trusting and depending on God when everyone else around me has failed me - that's the hard part - and it doesn't happen overnight.  It's like standing with your back to the edge of a cliff and all you have to do is fall back, and He will catch you.  You can't see what's behind you or below you, making you blind.  When I am blind, I have the hardest time not freaking out.

Here's a good example.  A friend of mine and I went with a group of people to Michigan's Adventure.  They have a ride called the Rip Cord.  It wasn't until we were almost finished flying forward that I realized that we were going to go backwards.  I freaked out and screamed for all it was worth.  Heart in my throat, adrenaline rush, the whole nine yards happened in that one split second.

After that, you'd think that falling backwards off a cliff into God's hand would be a piece of cake.  Oh no!  We are still hanging onto the rope(s) that someone has tossed to us trying to help us, not realizing that they are hindering us from taking that step of faith into God's plan for our lives.  

Giving it all to God takes time and little steps.  One of my major breakthroughs came when I finally figured out that my identity was in Christ - not in my performance or of what I did or did not do.  The way I was raised - I was taught that the more I 'performed' correctly, the more love and acceptance I got.  For now, we'll say that it didn't go well for me growing up.  I have very few good memories of my childhood, but everyday, God heals a little more of that pain inside of my heart.

The secret to being content in being single is to give it back to God.  He gave me the desire for marriage and family, and by giving that desire back to Him and letting Him hold onto it, I'm telling Him that I am trusting Him and that I know that He knows what is best for me.  Some people might think that by giving God my desire that it would be a slap in the face to Him.  Let me explain something to everyone.  Women are complex creatures that God has created.  He created us with desires and emotions.  At one point in my life, my desire overtook everything else.  That desire that God had given me to be married and have a family, twisted in my mind and became an unhealthy idol in my life.  I ended up marrying someone who was unequally yoked with me and I was severely hurt by that man in my life.  It is also why I have an issue with friendships with my guy friends.  I have several friends who are guys, but because of the hurt that I endured because I had twisted a God given desire in my heart and made it into something that it should never have been, I have a hard time talking or relating to them sometimes.  By the way, if you are a guy and you are reading this and have been offended at something I have said or acted towards you in the past, I am sorry.  This is something that God is working with me on.  I deal with the repercussions of the decisions that I have made in the past almost every day.

The great news is that I am not the same person I was two years ago.  God Himself loved me enough to pick me up when I was under all of the emotional turmoil and events of my past and He set me upon the Rock.  The hills melted like wax in the Presence of the Lord that day April 1, 2010.  It was the greatest and saddest day of my life.  Why the saddest?  It was the greatest day because of me returning to the Lord...it was the saddest because it was also my grandmother's memorial service that day.  But, I know that I'll see her again when I get to heaven.

This is only the tip of the iceberg and there is a lot more to come!  Blessings and peace to you, my friend!

Saturday was a day of struggles for me.  I wrestled with a lot of things, emotions, thoughts, lies and truth.  It was an attack - and not one that was sent by God.

I believe that the life choices you make with your head, you can make with your heart also.  I found myself thinking more and more about the days gone by where I drove semis for a living.  It was fun at the time and I absolutely love driving and traveling.  

However, there are many downfalls to driving a truck.  You're gone for 6 to 8 weeks at a time.  That means that I would have to give up things that God has placed in my life for a purpose.  My little ones in RezKidz, Freedom classes, all of the friends that I have made, my home, the time that I have to spend in God's Word and draw closer to Him - there are so many things.

There are many up sides to trucking as well, but the fact is is that this is a different season that God has me in.  Trucking for me is at an end and it's time for me to let it go.

I wrote down some goals about what I truly want to do with my life and I was a little surprised by the answers I put down.

Now, I don't have a college degree, but I do have a lot of life experience under my belt.  I've been through things that no human being should ever have to go through.  And I know that God will use my testimony to reach others for Him.  This is goal number one - and the most important.

The next goal that I have I'm not going to write down here.  Some things are meant not to be said.  It's a promise that God gave me a few months ago.  I just have to be patient and spend the time that is given to me getting ready.

The third goal I have is to do a music internship through my church.  I have loved music ever since I was a child.  It was my one saving grace in school when everything else around me was crashing down.

So, when everything was going on on Saturday, and a lot of it was emotional, God showed up.  He usually shows up in the midst of all the chaos.  I could feel myself turning into the decision to go back to truck driving.

God told me to wait a little while longer and to not give up.  The emotions that I was dealing with had to do with the thoughts in my head.  Looking back, I can make that connection now.  

This is not the first time that I have felt this way and I don't think it will be the last time either.  The difference is that I have grown in the Lord and these feelings don't take over my entire life anymore.

When I posted the comment about OTR driving again, I was feeling a little desperate and wanted to escape.  Typical of my flesh to do that when the going gets tough.  Well, too bad, so sad flesh!  I am not going anywhere!

Yesterday, God truly showed me how much I would be missed if I went back to truck driving.  My kids bombarded me with hugs yesterday and it was so great just being around them.  Children can teach you a lot if you just open your heart to them and let them in.  These have wiggled their way into my life and I love them as if they were my own.

Then, I was stopped by a couple that I consider to be my elders (and mentors) because they had seen the post that I stuck up on Facebook.  I was able to share with them what was truly going on.  They prayed for me and hugged me and we parted ways.

I ran into friends outside of the Olive Tree Cafe - where I got more hugs and talked for a minute before heading down to find a seat for service.  

I found a seat and headed for the choir room where I made a new friend and possibly walking buddy - and got MORE hugs! lol!

At service, they had over 150 baptisms and then I got wet hugs lol!  I was able to give hugs to those who not only have I known in my life, but to those who have freshly buried the sinful man.  What a truly amazing service it was!

Afterwards, I met more friends and received more hugs.  I went back up to the Olive Tree and guess what?  I was bombarded by a couple of kids from my class with hugs!

I'm telling you, yesterday was a hug fest and I loved absolutely every minute of it!  God showed me how truly blessed I am to have so many people that love and care about me.  And not only by the hugs that I received and gave, but the love of God that just so totally wrapped me up in His loving embrace.  It is so sweet and gentle and I love the fact that God is never going to let me go!

At Bible study that night, I went over the things that had been going on that weekend and I realized that what I experienced on Saturday was an attack.  And the reason for that attack is two fold. Number one, I'm going in the direction that God wants me to go in and I'm getting opposition for it.  And two, it was a test to see if I would turn tail and run, or stay and dig in and fight.

There are only two people that I really tell things to that are the closest to my heart - and even then sometimes the full story is not revealed to them.  So during Bible study, we read Hebrews 3-5 and we discuss things that are going on in our lives at the time, what God's dealing with us on, how best to tackle a problem.  We each have our own set of strengths and weaknesses and as friends, we compliment each other very well.

We have all been through stuff and there are things that God's pulling out of us all.  For me personally, this is a new season and I can either face the challenges that lie ahead and walk in God's promises and plan for my life - or I can turn tail and run away to a life full of misery.

I would rather stay and fight for a little while and be uncomfortable than to go back to any miserable excuse of a life the devil wants to offer me!

So we were reading about faith out of Hebrews and talking about our faith, and I pondered the last two days.  They were both so different from each other.  I live in the peace that passes all understanding probably about 95% of the time.  The things that used to bother me just really don't bother me anymore.  And when my emotions do get the best of me, I always go to God first with it to find out what's going on.

So I asked God what Saturday was all about.  He told me that it was a test of my faith - and whether or not I would obey God.  He told me that it was also an attack on my faith.  So I asked God if I had failed.  He laughed (yes, God does have a sense of humor) and said no, that what I went through was meant to be a stumbling block.  He showed me that when I started thinking those thoughts and feeling what I was feeling, that I turned to Him immediately to find out what was going on.  Then He gave my two best friends the words to help me that night.  On Sunday, he rewarded me by showing me how much He truly does love me and how proud He is to call me His daughter by giving me hugs through people in my life that truly do care.

He also told me that this is a time of waiting on Him and getting ready.  For what, I'm not entirely sure.  What I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that I love Him, I trust Him and I depend on Him and will continue to do so for the rest of my life.  This wasn't about going back to truck driving.  This was about obedience and when the going gets tough, which path are you going to choose?

Take care and God bless my friends!