I decided to start a blog this morning while walking around the track.  There is simply too much in my head to get it all down on paper....or my Facebook status - of which I probably have friends who don't read my status' anymore because I tend to update them so much lol.  So here goes...

Today I woke up at 6 and had devotional time - always a great thing first thing in the morning.  I'm starting to read through the whole NT again.  So far, my favorite version of the bible is the amplified translation.  Very wordy and perfect for an intelligent woman like me.  I like details and descriptions and God usually talks to me with pictures, words and thoughts.  

After that, I went to the Kroc Center to work out.  I am trying to have it become a regular habit that I get up at 5am and go work out at 7am.  That has been a challenge lately, but I am working on it.  I always stretch first and then do a mile on the elipticals before strength training.  Today I did that and another mile on the eliptical afterwards.  Then I rested for about 10 minutes before heading to the track.

Now when I do strength training etc, I'm always listening to Andy Hunter.  For some reason it just really helps me focus.  Music is my number one influence...just under God and His Word.  So when I go to the track, I turn on the praise and worship and either sing along silently or pray or think.  Sometimes I do all three.

I started walking the track and started thinking about what I could do to further God's Kingdom.  Now, for those of you who are not aware of my testimony, let me just say that I wouldn't be here today if God didn't have a purpose and a plan for my life.  Sometimes when I think about something, it grows in my mind's eye and tends to become all I see.  It has gotten much better over the years and I have learned a lot.  So this blog thing just kind of set itself up in my mind and I thought of the things I could write.  Oh, the things I can write!  My mind works overtime all the time, so this will be a good outlet for all that brain power that goes on up there lol!

So today, I want to share about some of the things that God has brought me through.  Here are a few things that have sometimes knocked me down flat: anxiety, anger, depression, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, being controlled by other people, a slave mentality, vowing that I would always fail, inferiority complex, low self esteem, no self worth, hatred, bitterness, the roller coaster ride, lust, a failed marriage, disappointment, hurt, anguish, loneliness, horror, addictions, and mistreatment.

The stuff listed above is only a small fraction of what I've been through in my life.  So why am I talking about it now?  I have a few theories about that question - but the main reason is to give glory to God because of what He has brought me through.  No one else could have saved me the way that God has.

I may not have a college degree, but I have a ton of life experience under my belt.  Telling my testimony will help someone out there who is going through the same struggles that I have gone through, felt the same feelings that I've felt.  If one person says, 'yes, I've been there, I can relate to what she's talking about,' then all of this is worth it.

God has given me a passion to help others.  I am only 32 and there were times where I felt like my life had ended.  Now I know it's just beginning.  I'd like to share about being single...and being content in being single.

There are a lot of books out there with thoughts on how the whole Christian 'dating' arena should go....and that's great....it's just not for me.  It has always been my heart's desire to get married, have kids, the white picket fence, etc etc etc.  And once upon a time, I would let the longing and the loneliness overwhelm me to the point of frustration and hurt because of these feelings.  So how can I be content in being single?  I'll tell you.

I have a saying, one that I say every day, no matter what is going on.  Sometimes I say it at night, sometimes in the morning, but the point is is that I make it a point to say this prayer.  'God I love you, God I trust you.  God I depend on you and give you my all.'  What difference does that make?  All the difference in the world!  Loving something that's not there for me is the easy part.  Trusting and depending on God when everyone else around me has failed me - that's the hard part - and it doesn't happen overnight.  It's like standing with your back to the edge of a cliff and all you have to do is fall back, and He will catch you.  You can't see what's behind you or below you, making you blind.  When I am blind, I have the hardest time not freaking out.

Here's a good example.  A friend of mine and I went with a group of people to Michigan's Adventure.  They have a ride called the Rip Cord.  It wasn't until we were almost finished flying forward that I realized that we were going to go backwards.  I freaked out and screamed for all it was worth.  Heart in my throat, adrenaline rush, the whole nine yards happened in that one split second.

After that, you'd think that falling backwards off a cliff into God's hand would be a piece of cake.  Oh no!  We are still hanging onto the rope(s) that someone has tossed to us trying to help us, not realizing that they are hindering us from taking that step of faith into God's plan for our lives.  

Giving it all to God takes time and little steps.  One of my major breakthroughs came when I finally figured out that my identity was in Christ - not in my performance or of what I did or did not do.  The way I was raised - I was taught that the more I 'performed' correctly, the more love and acceptance I got.  For now, we'll say that it didn't go well for me growing up.  I have very few good memories of my childhood, but everyday, God heals a little more of that pain inside of my heart.

The secret to being content in being single is to give it back to God.  He gave me the desire for marriage and family, and by giving that desire back to Him and letting Him hold onto it, I'm telling Him that I am trusting Him and that I know that He knows what is best for me.  Some people might think that by giving God my desire that it would be a slap in the face to Him.  Let me explain something to everyone.  Women are complex creatures that God has created.  He created us with desires and emotions.  At one point in my life, my desire overtook everything else.  That desire that God had given me to be married and have a family, twisted in my mind and became an unhealthy idol in my life.  I ended up marrying someone who was unequally yoked with me and I was severely hurt by that man in my life.  It is also why I have an issue with friendships with my guy friends.  I have several friends who are guys, but because of the hurt that I endured because I had twisted a God given desire in my heart and made it into something that it should never have been, I have a hard time talking or relating to them sometimes.  By the way, if you are a guy and you are reading this and have been offended at something I have said or acted towards you in the past, I am sorry.  This is something that God is working with me on.  I deal with the repercussions of the decisions that I have made in the past almost every day.

The great news is that I am not the same person I was two years ago.  God Himself loved me enough to pick me up when I was under all of the emotional turmoil and events of my past and He set me upon the Rock.  The hills melted like wax in the Presence of the Lord that day April 1, 2010.  It was the greatest and saddest day of my life.  Why the saddest?  It was the greatest day because of me returning to the Lord...it was the saddest because it was also my grandmother's memorial service that day.  But, I know that I'll see her again when I get to heaven.

This is only the tip of the iceberg and there is a lot more to come!  Blessings and peace to you, my friend!

Saturday was a day of struggles for me.  I wrestled with a lot of things, emotions, thoughts, lies and truth.  It was an attack - and not one that was sent by God.

I believe that the life choices you make with your head, you can make with your heart also.  I found myself thinking more and more about the days gone by where I drove semis for a living.  It was fun at the time and I absolutely love driving and traveling.  

However, there are many downfalls to driving a truck.  You're gone for 6 to 8 weeks at a time.  That means that I would have to give up things that God has placed in my life for a purpose.  My little ones in RezKidz, Freedom classes, all of the friends that I have made, my home, the time that I have to spend in God's Word and draw closer to Him - there are so many things.

There are many up sides to trucking as well, but the fact is is that this is a different season that God has me in.  Trucking for me is at an end and it's time for me to let it go.

I wrote down some goals about what I truly want to do with my life and I was a little surprised by the answers I put down.

Now, I don't have a college degree, but I do have a lot of life experience under my belt.  I've been through things that no human being should ever have to go through.  And I know that God will use my testimony to reach others for Him.  This is goal number one - and the most important.

The next goal that I have I'm not going to write down here.  Some things are meant not to be said.  It's a promise that God gave me a few months ago.  I just have to be patient and spend the time that is given to me getting ready.

The third goal I have is to do a music internship through my church.  I have loved music ever since I was a child.  It was my one saving grace in school when everything else around me was crashing down.

So, when everything was going on on Saturday, and a lot of it was emotional, God showed up.  He usually shows up in the midst of all the chaos.  I could feel myself turning into the decision to go back to truck driving.

God told me to wait a little while longer and to not give up.  The emotions that I was dealing with had to do with the thoughts in my head.  Looking back, I can make that connection now.  

This is not the first time that I have felt this way and I don't think it will be the last time either.  The difference is that I have grown in the Lord and these feelings don't take over my entire life anymore.

When I posted the comment about OTR driving again, I was feeling a little desperate and wanted to escape.  Typical of my flesh to do that when the going gets tough.  Well, too bad, so sad flesh!  I am not going anywhere!

Yesterday, God truly showed me how much I would be missed if I went back to truck driving.  My kids bombarded me with hugs yesterday and it was so great just being around them.  Children can teach you a lot if you just open your heart to them and let them in.  These have wiggled their way into my life and I love them as if they were my own.

Then, I was stopped by a couple that I consider to be my elders (and mentors) because they had seen the post that I stuck up on Facebook.  I was able to share with them what was truly going on.  They prayed for me and hugged me and we parted ways.

I ran into friends outside of the Olive Tree Cafe - where I got more hugs and talked for a minute before heading down to find a seat for service.  

I found a seat and headed for the choir room where I made a new friend and possibly walking buddy - and got MORE hugs! lol!

At service, they had over 150 baptisms and then I got wet hugs lol!  I was able to give hugs to those who not only have I known in my life, but to those who have freshly buried the sinful man.  What a truly amazing service it was!

Afterwards, I met more friends and received more hugs.  I went back up to the Olive Tree and guess what?  I was bombarded by a couple of kids from my class with hugs!

I'm telling you, yesterday was a hug fest and I loved absolutely every minute of it!  God showed me how truly blessed I am to have so many people that love and care about me.  And not only by the hugs that I received and gave, but the love of God that just so totally wrapped me up in His loving embrace.  It is so sweet and gentle and I love the fact that God is never going to let me go!

At Bible study that night, I went over the things that had been going on that weekend and I realized that what I experienced on Saturday was an attack.  And the reason for that attack is two fold. Number one, I'm going in the direction that God wants me to go in and I'm getting opposition for it.  And two, it was a test to see if I would turn tail and run, or stay and dig in and fight.

There are only two people that I really tell things to that are the closest to my heart - and even then sometimes the full story is not revealed to them.  So during Bible study, we read Hebrews 3-5 and we discuss things that are going on in our lives at the time, what God's dealing with us on, how best to tackle a problem.  We each have our own set of strengths and weaknesses and as friends, we compliment each other very well.

We have all been through stuff and there are things that God's pulling out of us all.  For me personally, this is a new season and I can either face the challenges that lie ahead and walk in God's promises and plan for my life - or I can turn tail and run away to a life full of misery.

I would rather stay and fight for a little while and be uncomfortable than to go back to any miserable excuse of a life the devil wants to offer me!

So we were reading about faith out of Hebrews and talking about our faith, and I pondered the last two days.  They were both so different from each other.  I live in the peace that passes all understanding probably about 95% of the time.  The things that used to bother me just really don't bother me anymore.  And when my emotions do get the best of me, I always go to God first with it to find out what's going on.

So I asked God what Saturday was all about.  He told me that it was a test of my faith - and whether or not I would obey God.  He told me that it was also an attack on my faith.  So I asked God if I had failed.  He laughed (yes, God does have a sense of humor) and said no, that what I went through was meant to be a stumbling block.  He showed me that when I started thinking those thoughts and feeling what I was feeling, that I turned to Him immediately to find out what was going on.  Then He gave my two best friends the words to help me that night.  On Sunday, he rewarded me by showing me how much He truly does love me and how proud He is to call me His daughter by giving me hugs through people in my life that truly do care.

He also told me that this is a time of waiting on Him and getting ready.  For what, I'm not entirely sure.  What I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that I love Him, I trust Him and I depend on Him and will continue to do so for the rest of my life.  This wasn't about going back to truck driving.  This was about obedience and when the going gets tough, which path are you going to choose?

Take care and God bless my friends!

Ok, so yesterday I was hit hard with a few things - including the fact that I won't be moving out on June 1st.  It's sort of a bummer, because I was really looking forward to not having to share space with my parents.  I believe that God has other plans though.

I realized that when I was working on budgets and lists to see if I could even move out, it was stressful.  My financial situation is not the best and I've been hit hard by ignorance in my earlier years and a divorce where I was hit with all the bills from that because everything was in my name.  So, you can imagine where things are at financially.

There has been a lot of friction in our house over the years and lately it's been going up and down....and it's the main reason why I want to move out.  But like I said, God has other plans.

As I was sitting here writing down next month's budget and contemplating what's going on with everything, God brought to my attention that I really need to start hitting some of this stuff hard.  

There's a class coming up at my church called Financial Peace University, which is founded by Dave Ramsey.  He's like the financial guru guy.  I have read his books, but find I have a hard time applying them to my life.  Now, I am not sure if I'm just not getting it or if I need someone to hold me accountable or what.  

Step one involves going to this class.  Step two is getting someone who will hold me accountable and go over things with me and pray with me about all this (sorry guys, it definitely has to be a woman for this).  Step three is applying it.  Step four is having a support system - and I am really going to need one!

So when I realized what God was telling me, I started writing.  I wrote down goals, things I need to do, things I want to do, and what I really want to do with my life.  I tell ya, writing things down like this puts some perspective on what's truly important in your life.  

For me, it's doing everything that I can do to further the Kingdom of God.  The Lord is also preparing me for something big.  Waiting for me is like cooking a roast in a slow cooker.  It heats up slowly and throughout the day you can smell that roast cooking.  And you just want to taste it because it smells so good!  But it's not done yet, you have to wait til dinner time.  

That's the hardest part of waiting is when you can "smell" what direction God is pointing you in and you can see the true finish line.  There are lots of obstacles along the way, including false finish lines.  They try to trip you up and slow you down.

Thank God that He's a God of the impossible.  When I look at this mountain of debt that's laid out before me, I remember the verse that says, "The hills melt like wax in the Presence of the Lord." and "Say to the mountain, 'remove yourself and be cast into the sea'.  And it will come to pass to those who do NOT doubt in their hearts".  These are my paraphrases off the top of my head.

Going back to the whole moving out thing, you'd think that I'd feel disappointed.  But the truth is, I only feel peace about it.  Whatever happens doesn't matter - I know that God will take care of me regardless.

I believe that God is going to set me free from some things that have been going on in my life for a number of years.  Your comments, prayer and support are greatly appreciated and welcomed.  Please let me know if I can pray for you for anything that you may be going through.

May God bring blessing and peace into your life and home!