It has been one of those weeks where I just feel like screaming. Everything that can go wrong has gone wrong whether I stick my foot in my mouth or my actions have hurt others. It always seems like just when I think life is starting to get better, it slaps me sideways again.
For the most part, I am not bothered by the winds of change that try to blow me around. This time however, it was like a tsunami hit me over the head. So I know that I'm going in the right direction.
Change itself is good and I do not mind when there's something that I need to change about myself. But when emotion is involved - that's where I want to truly back out.
I have been hurt by others so much in my past that I tend to forget to be vulnerable with certain people in my life. This is something that God has been working with me on in my life lately.
When I find myself at the point of having to be vulnerable with a friend of mine, and I don't know them that well, I tend to freak out without realizing. Most of the time, my emotions will hide themselves and it's only until someone corrects me or something drastic happens that I realize that I've made terrible mistakes. And usually by then, there are people who are hurt by what I've done.
And then, instead of giving it to God and laying it at the foot of the cross where it should reside anyway, I tend to worry about it. This stresses me out and I lose a ton of sleep.
Why am I sharing all of this? There are a few reasons for my sharing this. One, it's an account to myself to not make the same mistakes over and over again. Two, I know that there are others out there who are going through similar situations and hope that reading this blog will help them in their own life struggles.
So, yesterday was a complete disaster as far as an emotional stand point for me goes. I'd finally had enough. Not only were my nerves frazzled, I was stressed out and losing sleep. I haven't lost that kind of sleep in about three and a half years.
When I'd found out what was happening, not only was I shocked and hurt, but God immediately gave me a picture of what was going on. He tends to speak to me more in pictures than anything else.
I was a kid in a candy store which was brightly lit and there were glass jars filled with every kind of candy imaginable. My eyes latched onto to one jar in particular, which had a single piece of candy inside it.
I couldn't take my eyes off this piece of candy, so I reached up and grabbed the jar with both hands. I stared at this piece of candy as my grip on the jar got tighter and tighter until the jar finally broke into a million shards, going through my hands. (no blood here mind you)
So now, my hands are tightly clasped around the candy and there are glass shards in and through and around my hands. Everyone who tried to help get the glass out, was hurt.
This next part is just what God revealed to me between last night and this morning.
I started to cry, because not only could I not taste the candy - which was covered in glass - but I couldn't get the glass out of my hands as well.
Bright light filled the candy store and I heard a gentle voice saying, "Here, child, let me help you."
At first, I didn't want him to help because I was afraid that he would get hurt too. But he assured me that he was there to do exactly that - get the glass out of my hands.
After a little coaxing, I finally gave my hands over to him and he started pulling the glass shards out of my hands. Some of them weren't too bad and others hurt very much. I watched carefully as each shard was pulled out of my hands.
As time passed, I noticed that with each shard that was pulled out, blood was spilled on the wound. I was a little confused by this until I looked up and saw the Maker's hands. His hands held the wounds that were on my hands. And instead of my blood being spilled, it was his blood that was being spilled.
Again, I started to cry and he looked at me with such a gentle look, "My child, why do you weep?"
It took me a moment to answer, "Because, you are hurt too."
He replied, "Little one, do not let your heart be troubled, trust in Me." (John 14:1)
It still amazes me to this day that despite the mistakes I have made in my past, or the ones I make today, that God still loves me unconditionally.
Meaning that I don't have to perform for Him to love me. So why should I have to do that for anyone else? When I asked myself that question, one word came to my mind - fear. So what do I fear? I fear being hurt and rejected by others. How do I avoid this? I hide behind a facade that I can do it all and I don't need anyone else's help to get things done. To a point, this is true. To another, it's disastrous.
Balance here is the key and something that I have gotten down pretty well in the last couple of years. I'm not by any means perfect and I would be the first one to tell you that I will make mistakes.
But in making mistakes, I also learn from them and grow. Sometimes it's ok and sometimes it is very painful - especially when there are others involved.
I know, that as long as I give it over to God and look to Him for everything, I'll be ok. :)
For the most part, I am not bothered by the winds of change that try to blow me around. This time however, it was like a tsunami hit me over the head. So I know that I'm going in the right direction.
Change itself is good and I do not mind when there's something that I need to change about myself. But when emotion is involved - that's where I want to truly back out.
I have been hurt by others so much in my past that I tend to forget to be vulnerable with certain people in my life. This is something that God has been working with me on in my life lately.
When I find myself at the point of having to be vulnerable with a friend of mine, and I don't know them that well, I tend to freak out without realizing. Most of the time, my emotions will hide themselves and it's only until someone corrects me or something drastic happens that I realize that I've made terrible mistakes. And usually by then, there are people who are hurt by what I've done.
And then, instead of giving it to God and laying it at the foot of the cross where it should reside anyway, I tend to worry about it. This stresses me out and I lose a ton of sleep.
Why am I sharing all of this? There are a few reasons for my sharing this. One, it's an account to myself to not make the same mistakes over and over again. Two, I know that there are others out there who are going through similar situations and hope that reading this blog will help them in their own life struggles.
So, yesterday was a complete disaster as far as an emotional stand point for me goes. I'd finally had enough. Not only were my nerves frazzled, I was stressed out and losing sleep. I haven't lost that kind of sleep in about three and a half years.
When I'd found out what was happening, not only was I shocked and hurt, but God immediately gave me a picture of what was going on. He tends to speak to me more in pictures than anything else.
I was a kid in a candy store which was brightly lit and there were glass jars filled with every kind of candy imaginable. My eyes latched onto to one jar in particular, which had a single piece of candy inside it.
I couldn't take my eyes off this piece of candy, so I reached up and grabbed the jar with both hands. I stared at this piece of candy as my grip on the jar got tighter and tighter until the jar finally broke into a million shards, going through my hands. (no blood here mind you)
So now, my hands are tightly clasped around the candy and there are glass shards in and through and around my hands. Everyone who tried to help get the glass out, was hurt.
This next part is just what God revealed to me between last night and this morning.
I started to cry, because not only could I not taste the candy - which was covered in glass - but I couldn't get the glass out of my hands as well.
Bright light filled the candy store and I heard a gentle voice saying, "Here, child, let me help you."
At first, I didn't want him to help because I was afraid that he would get hurt too. But he assured me that he was there to do exactly that - get the glass out of my hands.
After a little coaxing, I finally gave my hands over to him and he started pulling the glass shards out of my hands. Some of them weren't too bad and others hurt very much. I watched carefully as each shard was pulled out of my hands.
As time passed, I noticed that with each shard that was pulled out, blood was spilled on the wound. I was a little confused by this until I looked up and saw the Maker's hands. His hands held the wounds that were on my hands. And instead of my blood being spilled, it was his blood that was being spilled.
Again, I started to cry and he looked at me with such a gentle look, "My child, why do you weep?"
It took me a moment to answer, "Because, you are hurt too."
He replied, "Little one, do not let your heart be troubled, trust in Me." (John 14:1)
It still amazes me to this day that despite the mistakes I have made in my past, or the ones I make today, that God still loves me unconditionally.
Meaning that I don't have to perform for Him to love me. So why should I have to do that for anyone else? When I asked myself that question, one word came to my mind - fear. So what do I fear? I fear being hurt and rejected by others. How do I avoid this? I hide behind a facade that I can do it all and I don't need anyone else's help to get things done. To a point, this is true. To another, it's disastrous.
Balance here is the key and something that I have gotten down pretty well in the last couple of years. I'm not by any means perfect and I would be the first one to tell you that I will make mistakes.
But in making mistakes, I also learn from them and grow. Sometimes it's ok and sometimes it is very painful - especially when there are others involved.
I know, that as long as I give it over to God and look to Him for everything, I'll be ok. :)
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